Some of you reading this can remember the voicemail left on my store phone late in the summer- if you aren't familiar with it that's okay, the contents of the voicemail were juvenile and filled with jealousy, and aren't worth mentioning here. That very same day a letter was put in the mail that made it's way to the doorstep of the store.
Finding out your husband has been having an affair with a woman, Natalia, a Realtor here in our big/little city...whom I didn't even know existed...who was so gracious to do me a "favor" and send me an anonymous letter exposing their affair 4 months after the fact...and gives a half-assed apology because she can't even sign her letter...
This day changed me. As you can imagine, finding out this information you really only have two choices-
1. Run, and let all of this manifest itself at some other stage in my life, but it's easier to just divorce him and run. Let it change me for the worst, close myself off to everyone to avoid being hurt ever again.
2. Stay, deal with the hurt, and open myself up to everything the Universe is trying to show me with this lesson (because I believe there are lessons in everything). The much harder choice if you ask anyone.
I won't lie, I have spent the last several months somewhere in between both of those options. I have been in some of the darkest places, explored the inner parts of myself that actually scared me. Friends, family, and even my husband (who I will tell you has been working his ass off trying to rebuild from this entire ordeal) have all tried helping me as I sunk lower and lower. I realized I was comfortable sitting here as a victim. it was safe.
A part of me wanted to keep my eyes closed. I wanted to stay hidden in my fear and anger, to sit in my righteousness with my pointing finger, sit in my victimhood. I wanted to defend why my life was so messy, to scream from the rooftops so everyone could hear my hurt. This pain left me frozen for months. Have you ever felt this kind of pain? If so, keep reading.
I thought to myself over and over, "How can I move forward in the kind of work I do- talking to clients about making their inner worlds reflect in their outer worlds when my life is a fucking mess?" Oh yes, there it is...that little voice of self-doubt had reared its familiar head. It whispered, “You’re a fraud. You don’t know who you are or what you’re talking about. You don’t have your own life put together, and everyone will see right through you, you should just give up, do everyone a favor, divorce your husband and run.” So I sat in that anger and hurt longer until that same voice told me, "there is more to this life than what you are choosing, a place of love. There is a place that is eagerly waiting, a place of truth, a place behind the dense hurt and bondage where the real beauty in life awaits."
I finally had to open my eyes and be aware. To be accountable, to be responsible for healing my life. I have had to love myself until I was full- I still am. The dark parts of me that I saw didn't want me to understand that the fingers I have been pointing should have been pointing back at me the entire time.
I had to finally ask myself, "is this pain and anger really worth my misery? Is the price I am paying really worth this one precious life?"
I knew at some point during all of this, the time would come when I would be given the task to let go, the choice to be reborn. Betrayal and the hurt that comes with it, also comes the opportunity to chose whether you stay where you are or surrender. Surrender. I finally learned the art of surrender during this experience, and the art of grace as I let things go. The finding of my true self, becoming reborn again. The unfolding of letting things happen the way they are supposed to happen. To have trust that my life is happening just the way it should be, and sometimes the people we love the most hurt us the most. But if you can sit instead of run, you will see there are beautiful opportunities to grow- it is Source's way of giving you everything this life has to offer, reminding you that you are owed nothing from this life and realize instead you owe it to yourself to be more present in your life, to surrender. To surrender sounds scary, bringing more fear, but it is actually a beautiful divine word. It means to give up, to let go, to let go of the things that no longer serve you, allowing divine grace to enter your life- trust the journey, even when your life is filled with chaos and disharmony. Ride the turbulent waters until you make it to the clear water that awaits...it will happen. Trust that the Universe is rearranging your life to make room for the beautiful gifts that await. Because the truth is, life is messy.
Sometimes on the inside and sometimes on the outside. We are all constantly growing and shifting. Transitioning from one thing to the next. Losing our way and finding it again, over and over, rendition after rendition.
My eyes started to open to the truth, and once they did, that truth can never be unseen again. This is what real awakening looks like.
It is with real awakenings comes an understanding that will allow you to stretch into the wide expansive being you were destined to be. Finding out who your true self is as you follow the pain you are holding until you realize there is noting more for you to do with it. Lay it down, sweet friend. Get out of your own way. Be still, as it is with this stillness you will see the glimpses of who you truly are on the other side of the anger and hurt. Abundance is waiting.
It is here that I learned about forgiveness and that any forgiveness I have experienced at this point in my life isn't because someone else made me let go, it was because I chose to. So the power is mine, just like it's yours. We all want forgiveness to be this practical concept and practice- but the truth is we just complicate things, and I am no different. Except this time I surrendered to the practical explanation of how to navigate through this and forgiveness, for there is an intelligence inside each of us that helps guide us and open our eyes to the wholeness inside us. It is the work of magic and miracles, do not overthink it, for love awaits on the other side of forgiveness. And with that love comes liberation. You must listen to the part of you that no longer wants to suffer. The longing to be more alive regardless of the actions of others, for you are responsible for your life- this one life. I hope you arrive at your freedom as I did, because I forgive them.
After learning of my husband's affair in the manner in which I found out, I have personally come to know this entire process as beautiful. The fabric that makes each of us whole and human.
What I discovered is authentic living and having a beautiful life is not about having a perfect house or a perfect life. It is not some static, ideal state of color coded shoes or a perfectly organized closet. It is about staying connected to heart and home.
Creating daily life rituals with meaning and intention. Celebrating realness and creating foundations that function. Beautiful authentic living is about being real and alive. Paying attention to what makes us happy. Living from a place of joy and play.
It’s about trusting ourselves, supporting ourselves, loving ourselves. It blooms with honesty, vulnerability and truth...and never having to send a letter like I was sent, because when you love yourself you don't seek love from someone else's marriage.
Beautiful authentic living is about flow. It’s not a state of pristine, predictable perfection. Nor a plateau of happiness to strive towards or protect, or closing your eyes when things hurt. It’s about creating a home base that is ever-open, ever-changing, ever-evolving...riding the rough waters and sometimes knowing when it's better to surrender.
Beautiful authentic living happens from the heart. It’s as real as your flesh and blood. As human as your desires…your mistakes…and your dreams.
It is the true, raw, ever-changing beauty of this tapestry called life.
Unique to you and woven with love, and even forgiveness
Beautiful authentic living a wild ride. But one so worth taking.
Author, Candance Toscano
"You can design the life of your dreams and acquire that luxurious, fulfilled and empowered lifestyle you know you have always wanted."